Came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.
This step caused me a lot of problems in my early days. I could never grasp the idea of a man sitting on a cloud looking down at me. So I had to find something that would work for me..
It came into my head that when I went to see a psychiatrist, I wanted him to find something in me that I could not find for myself. Theoretically, once pointed out to me I would start to heal or be healed. So, in a sense, that was an act of faith, or hope!
The psychiatrist could not change my life. What had happened had happened. However, in a sense he would winkle out the causes and in doing so that would make the neurosis evaporate (that is the theory)!
Where was this God that brought happiness into peoples lives? I knew there was not a God. So, all of these people in AA and other Twelve step fellowships who had faith believed that God was guiding their life. They had a contentment, which I wanted. It then hit me, I knew there was no God, then all of these people got happy by believing in God’s will. What they believed God wanted them to do. When was I going to find a God/Higher power? Well, my higher power did the business for me by the way of a friend of mine who always showed off anything new he had bought. He turned up at my house with a brand new BMW car. He spoke for an hour about the qualities of BMW cars. He lifted the bonnet of the car to reveal a giant engine. He said, “Feel the bronze on the engine”. As I touched it he said, “They are the best designed cars in the world”. So, I thought, “Who designed my hand?”. I looked at my hand and saw for the first time ever, a fantastic piece of engineering. I moved my wrist, raised my arm, swivelled it around and said to him “Who designed my hand?” He looked at me as if I had gone mad. I walked up my driveway and for the first time ever, I knew there was a creator, and that I had been designed in away that if I was to do something wrong, it would hurt, and that pain is a warning. The most obvious being if you put your hand by a fire and you put it too close, it starts to hurt. That pain is a warning of great danger!
So pain is a way of warning. I realised that emotional pain was caused by me wanting people, places, past and present to be different to what they really are, were or are going to be. WOW!!
It was my reaction that was the problem. I had tried to run away from pain, repressing it or over reacting, never any middle ground. So God had designed to accept the 3 ‘D’s,disappointment, dis-ease and death. I could see it so clearly that my pain was craving, I wanted everything my way. Sounds childish, but true. I could not handle emotional pain.
When I was 17 I lost 3 relatives within a few months. I would not go to the funeral. Why? because I was running away from grief. It is no coincidence that shortly after these deaths I became neurotic, panic attacks started, anxiety came into my life.
Today, I know “repression without expression, leads to depression”.
So my higher power, in my early days became courage, it became tolerance, it becamegratitude, it became honesty, it became patience. If I did not do these things then I would suffer! So, simply to get restored to sanity means practice opposites. Seek to get a Teflon personality where nothing sticks! To obtain emotional muscle, one must do emotional exercises. We must understand that we are all products of our past! So, my past had to be looked at and understood, not just thought about, but to be looked at, and to see what triggers had caused my pain.
If you, right now, are tortured emotionally, then you can’t know what’s best for you! If you did then you would not be suffering right now!
If you want peace of mind, then practice opposites, it’s SIMPLE! The keys to peace of mind are accepting life and life’s terms. You may be worried about death, disease or disappointments. Well, worry kills your spirit, it makes you feel down! It causes DISAPPOINTMENT. A higher power to counteract this is affirmations like, “Am I OK now”, “do I have money in my pocket/purse?” In short, all your needs have been met and always will do! If all your needs are met today, then why should they not be met next year! These affirmations return us to sanity!
I was walking around a Buddhist monastery and I noticed a gutter was dripping water, as I got close to the drip I noticed that the gentle repetition of a drop of water had worn a hole into the concrete floor! That was a spiritual awakening. I started to get faith just by knowing that if I changed my thinking I would change.
I suffered from obsessive, intrusive thoughts; those triggered anxiety in me which triggered craving! I learnt to laugh at my thoughts and not believe them!