Admitting to God, to ourselves and another human beings the exact nature of wrongs.
I was very nervous after I had written my resentments, guilt’s, fears and sexual conduct. I arranged a time and I went to my sponsors house, and I shared with him over a few sessions, my moral inventory, not a life story but a moral inventory. In other words all the stuff that made me feel dis-eased! It was painful, at times I felt I was going to burst out crying and run away!
But my courage held me together. Courage as a soldier, I saw bravery, people being involved in violence after the event, there was no reaction just, “Well, I did my job”. Courage is going into a situation with the heart racing, the mouth dry, the sweat and a new panic experience, but still doing it. Well, I did it and today I am glad, it was like getting rid of a Cancer! Cancer of the emotions, caused by resentment, guilt and fear.
My sponsor gave me a lot of feedback and never once criticized. He kept saying “you too?”What that meant was, he had done a lot of the things I had done! When I finished he said to me, “Well, Billy, everything you shared I have heard before, you shared nothing I have not heard before from my other sponsees”
It was a burden carrying all the resentment, guilt and fear. Dave was my sponsor, but I know people who have used Priests, Rabbi’s, Mullah’s, Counselors etc. What is important is not to see it as an act of confession but as a learning of your character
When I admitted to God, I admitted it to my creator, I prayed that what I had learnt may be of use to my fellow humans!
My creator wants me to be happy, joyous and free! If I am full of resentment, guilt and fear, then it speaks for itself. I could not be truly happy; maybe I was pretending to be happy in the past! Always behind that, the fear of impending doom!
What I also learnt from my step 4 and step 5 was to write a gratitude list. I had always been obsessed by what I did not have and what I wanted, never looked at what I had.
I had always been obsessed with people I resented, and never the people I liked! I had always been obsessed with guilt, my badness, my self loathing. Well, after step 5 I realized I was a human being. The only person saying I was bad was me! All I had to do was to be willing to make amends (no,it says willing!), I did not have to hurt the world, I had seen things in a different light, what it meant was; If I could go back, I would change the event. I was willing!
All my needs have been met since I did my inventory. I realized I was not happy running my business, so I stopped, it paid my taxes. The problem was that I had brothers working for me. To be happy, joyous and free meant I had to have courage and look at the long-term problems if I stayed in business. Sure, I did not want to effect my brother’s finances, but I had to put myself first! I had to remember “The man who asked a question feels a fool for twenty minutes. The man who does not ask a question is a fool for the rest of his life”. I felt guilty, what would my brothers think of me, but I prayed and realized that my intentions were not to harm them. So, I had to be at ease with my intentions and not their reactions! I stopped being a prisoner of people’s opinions. I realized I was in an unhappy relationship and I had to do something about that.
I never wanted to hurt my partner when I left and I had to be comfortable with that, again.
Happy, joyous and free! Did not mean that I had to put up with the unbearable, it meant getting into a way of life, which was blameless. Sure you might think that walking out of a relationship is cruel, but my intention was not to hurt. I was sure that in my step 4, that I resented a women for finishing with me, after listing that resentment I realized she had the right to do what was best for her. Just like I had the right to do what is best for me, again I state it was not my intention to harm! After knowing how I hated that woman for finishing with me because I wanted to be liked, I stayed in an unhappy relationship, which lead to resentment and unhappiness. A vicious circle!